No set pace…

by Deena on August 29, 2012

Angela  “I wrote an article and posted it today… it felt good to start blogging again

Me  “I read it, I liked it… the last line made me tear up. I’m sorry all of the writing has fallen to you the last few months. I just don’t have the motivation to talk to people about healthy living right now… it’s just not where I am

Angela  “It’s our blog, you can write about whatever you want to write about. Your good days, your bad days… use it as therapy

Me  Deep breath… “ok, maybe

The challenge is how do you put into writing something that no words will ever adequately express? How much I loved my son, how much I miss him, and how much I ache each day that he is not here with me. Selfishly I want him here with me, now… forever.

I seem to be stuck in an ongoing cycle of grief. Some mornings it feels like I hit all 5 stages of grief before I’ve had my morning cup of coffee. Other times, a day will pass where I don’t cry and I think “ok, I’ve finally made it through, now I can focus on the happy times“. Only to wake up the next morning and succumb to an endless stream of tears, catching up on the ones I missed the day before.

I try to remember that there is no set pace as I continue my journey along without him. That I won’t gain anything by forcing myself to move faster than my spirit is willing to go.

But it’s difficult being where I am… having people worry about you and wanting you to be ok.   This constant feeling of pressure to reassure them that you’re fine while knowing in your heart you’re not.  You know that you will never be the person you were before.  How could you be? There is a piece that will forever be missing.  So you endure…you try to move forward… you find strength in those that have traveled this path before you… you survive.

I miss you Owen.

Day 146

Link to us on Social Media

Comments on this entry are closed.

Christi Kelly August 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Deena,

If you had said that you’d made it through I would honestly wonder how. You’re going to grieve for the rest of your life. I know it’s not the same to lose a parent as it is to lose a child but, I still grieve for my parents every single day and it’s been ten years. I see something on TV or in a store that makes me think of them or just hear someone say something that reminds me of something they once said and burst into tears. I think about the fact that they will never know my children and vice versa and I feel like we’ve been cheated. I’d give anything to hear them laugh again or just talk to them for two minutes. People always say it’s gets easier but, it hasn’t. Not for me, anyway. I think that what you are feeling is normal. Your life has been forever changed. You have been forever changed. You’re going to be okay. I feel it. I’m always thinking about you. I hope that you find at least a moment of peace each day. Love you!

Christi

Julie August 29, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Yes, it feels like there is so much pressure from the world that desperately wants you to be happy. Everything is exhausting. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do, feel, be. All you can do is the be where you are at. Keep surviving, hour by hour, day by day. Take heart in the peaceful moments. But of course this is all just words, when really, there is nothing I can say or do. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your Owen.

Previous post:

Next post: