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April 6, 2013 ·

A year without you (after losing you to childhood cancer)

Our Cancer Stories

In my dreams you are 5 years old, you hair is the color of summer wheat and your eyes sparkle green in the light. You are laughing and running from me looking over your shoulder waiting for me to catch you. I chase you but not too quickly, I love seeing your smile and how pleased you are with yourself that you are outrunning me. But eventually I catch up to you. I pull you up into my arms and swing you around laughing. You lean back and stretch your arms out towards the sky in pure joy as we twirl, then you look back at me, reaching and I bring you in close. I breathe in your scent. And for a moment time stands still and I think how lucky I am and how perfect the day.

But then slowly something starts pulling at the edge of my consciousness. There is an unsettling, a whisper that I can’t quite hear. I feel myself grow tense. My heart starts to race. I am confused and become anxious. I hold you tighter trying to protect you. While my mind searches, trying to make sense.

Then the images start to filter in. Each like an individual photograph that has been captured in time.

And I am no longer holding you, you are no longer 5 years old. You are standing in front of me, older but your age becomes undefinable.

I start to back away, angry. The images of your life become sharper, as I begin to remember the details.

“What is this?” I say.

You say “Mom, it’s me.”

“NO“, I say. “Where is your scar?” “You have a scar that travels the length of your arm.”

My mind starts to fight for consciousness, I do not want to be here.

“You had cancer” I say to him

And he just watches me now. His eyes patient. His mouth is a quiet smile.

His eyes just search mine.. waiting.

My mind screams out. Suddenly, I am awake. Tears streaming down my face. I’m crying so hard that I can’t breathe. I’m shaking uncontrollably. I stare up at the ceiling and silently beg God, the universe, to just make it stop. I want to let out scream but there is no sound that could match the pain.

You died. YOU LEFT ME.

It’s been a year since I watched you take your last breath. Everyone says the pain will get easier. I think “everyone” hasn’t lost a child.

I want to tell you that I’m sorry. That I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you and keep you safe. That I’m sorry I lied when I said “you would be ok”. And in the end, I’m sorry that I lied when I said “I would be ok”.

I asked your brothers how they thought we should honor you today. They said we should spend the day having fun and being silly because that’s what you would want. So that’s what we’ll do, because we can’t be with you.

And tonight we will light a candle and blow it out at 10:15PM as we remember how much we have lost in losing you.

I love you, Owen.

Mom

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Angela’s day in a reel - 1/21/2023 #dailyreel #e Angela’s day in a reel - 1/21/2023
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Happy New Year! I’ve been a little absent becaus Happy New Year! I’ve been a little absent because I started the year off with a cold that left me tired and unmotivated. But I’m feeling better and starting my goal tracking a little late. I thought it would be helpful to combine all our goal trackers into one file for easy downloading and printing. The link to the all-in-one file can be found in our profile @everydayroadtohealthy ☝🏼. Swipe to see January printed at 75% and taped inside my planner. I’m hoping this works better for me this year!
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2022, you were filled with some great memories! I’m always sad to see another year go by. But I’m looking forward to making memories in 2023! 
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We hope everyone has a wonderful day filled with t We hope everyone has a wonderful day filled with the magic of the season! ❤️💚
I gave our protein balls recipe a little Christmas I gave our protein balls recipe a little Christmas upgrade. After refrigerating for a bit, dip in some melted chocolate and add some sprinkles! 😋 Search “protein balls” at everydayroadtohealthy.com for basic recipe, then add your own holiday upgrade!
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I’m sharing my tips and tricks for making the pe I’m sharing my tips and tricks for making the perfect jasmine rice 🍚 including what rice cooker I use, how much I make, and an age old method for measuring the water. Search “perfect jasmine rice” at www.everydayroadtohealthy.com for all the details!🍚
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If you’re looking for a way to volunteer this ho If you’re looking for a way to volunteer this holiday season - Wreaths Across America is this Saturday, Dec 17th. “In many homes there is an empty seat for one who is serving or one that made the ultimate sacrifice” this holiday season. Visit wreathsacrossamerica.org for more details on volunteering, donations, and locations near you.
A little reel showing my porch holiday transformat A little reel showing my porch holiday transformation using live wreaths and garland from Costco. 🎄Happy Holidays!
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We made some edits to this holiday bucket list. Wh We made some edits to this holiday bucket list. What would you add? ❤️💚
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✅Be present
✅Wrap someone in a hug
✅Send love ❤️ 
✅Donate food
✅Make memories
✅Be the light
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