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April 6, 2013 ·

A year without you (after losing you to childhood cancer)

Our Cancer Stories

In my dreams you are 5 years old, you hair is the color of summer wheat and your eyes sparkle green in the light. You are laughing and running from me looking over your shoulder waiting for me to catch you. I chase you but not too quickly, I love seeing your smile and how pleased you are with yourself that you are outrunning me. But eventually I catch up to you. I pull you up into my arms and swing you around laughing. You lean back and stretch your arms out towards the sky in pure joy as we twirl, then you look back at me, reaching and I bring you in close. I breathe in your scent. And for a moment time stands still and I think how lucky I am and how perfect the day.

But then slowly something starts pulling at the edge of my consciousness. There is an unsettling, a whisper that I can’t quite hear. I feel myself grow tense. My heart starts to race. I am confused and become anxious. I hold you tighter trying to protect you. While my mind searches, trying to make sense.

Then the images start to filter in. Each like an individual photograph that has been captured in time.

And I am no longer holding you, you are no longer 5 years old. You are standing in front of me, older but your age becomes undefinable.

I start to back away, angry. The images of your life become sharper, as I begin to remember the details.

“What is this?” I say.

You say “Mom, it’s me.”

“NO“, I say. “Where is your scar?” “You have a scar that travels the length of your arm.”

My mind starts to fight for consciousness, I do not want to be here.

“You had cancer” I say to him

And he just watches me now. His eyes patient. His mouth is a quiet smile.

His eyes just search mine.. waiting.

My mind screams out. Suddenly, I am awake. Tears streaming down my face. I’m crying so hard that I can’t breathe. I’m shaking uncontrollably. I stare up at the ceiling and silently beg God, the universe, to just make it stop. I want to let out scream but there is no sound that could match the pain.

You died. YOU LEFT ME.

It’s been a year since I watched you take your last breath. Everyone says the pain will get easier. I think “everyone” hasn’t lost a child.

I want to tell you that I’m sorry. That I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you and keep you safe. That I’m sorry I lied when I said “you would be ok”. And in the end, I’m sorry that I lied when I said “I would be ok”.

I asked your brothers how they thought we should honor you today. They said we should spend the day having fun and being silly because that’s what you would want. So that’s what we’ll do, because we can’t be with you.

And tonight we will light a candle and blow it out at 10:15PM as we remember how much we have lost in losing you.

I love you, Owen.

Mom

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Happy holidays to the delivery drivers who make Ch Happy holidays to the delivery drivers who make Christmas morning possible. 🎄📦

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everydayroadtohealthy.com/holiday-thank-you-to-delivery-drivers/

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Thai Basil Chicken, it’s what’s for dinner! It Thai Basil Chicken, it’s what’s for dinner! It smells so good and is simple and quick. Search “Thai Basil Chicken” at everydayroadtohealthy.com or go to everydayroadtohealthy.com/thai-basil-chicken/

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Happy Thanksgiving 🦃 and Happy Black Friday Eve Happy Thanksgiving 🦃 and Happy Black Friday Eve! While you’re prepping and cooking for Thanksgiving dinner, here’s our 2023 Holiday Gift Guide with some ideas to add to your shopping list. Most brands have their deals active now, so you could even add to cart 🛒today in between baking the sweet potatoes and boiling the green beans. ☺️ The link can be found in our profile @everydayroadtohealthy or by going to our website, everydayroadtohealthy.com.

We are grateful for all of you and hope everyone has a wonderful day with family and friends! 🤎🧡

#everydayroadtohealthy #holidaygiftguide #blackfriday #blackfridayeve #christmaswishlist
Love this creamer! It’s dairy-free, sugar-free a Love this creamer! It’s dairy-free, sugar-free and only 10 calories per serving (1Tbs). Plus look how well it froths. 😋☕️

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Who's with me? 🙋🏻‍♀️ I've talked about Who's with me? 🙋🏻‍♀️ I've talked about clean skincare many times on here before, but I thought I'd dive a little deeper into what to look for when switching to non-toxic products, as well as sharing a few of my favorite brands. 🌿 Read ALL ABOUT CLEAN SKINCARE at everydayroadtohealthy.com/all-about-clean-skincare/ or go to the link in our profile @everydayroadtohealthy and, as always, stay healthy! 💚🤎⁠
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#everydayroadtohealthy #healthyliving #cleanliving #healthandwellness #healthandfitness #pushing50
That’s me, I was the 1 in 8. This month it has That’s me, I was the 1 in 8. 

This month it has been 15 years, and that time of my life feels like a very distant memory. So much so that I’ve become somewhat complacent about it, forgetting about everything I went through to be where I am today. 

In just the last 2 weeks I have met 28 other survivors while participating in a charity fashion show, and have connected personally with 2 women who were recently diagnosed. It has been a good reminder of just how fortunate I am and how far I’ve come. Swipe to see some of the amazing women I had the honor of walking the runway with, some still actively fighting the disease. 🩷 
📸: Chip McCrea Photography

Go to the link in our profile @everydayroadtohealthy to read more about my breast cancer journey. 

#everydayroadtohealthy #breastcancersurvivor #breastcancerawareness #breastcancerawarenessmonth #healthandwellness #runwaytothecure
Coffee hack: use your protein drink as a creamer! Coffee hack: use your protein drink as a creamer! It froths up nice and thick and adds protein and a delicious cold foam layer to your coffee. Fancy! ☕️

#everydayroadtohealthy #coffeehack #butfirstcoffee #proteincoffee #fairlife
Hello October! I think fall is my favorite season. Hello October! I think fall is my favorite season. I love the colors, the smells, the tastes, and the holidays of fall. 🤎🧡💛October is also full of pink, and while I disliked pink during breast cancer treatment and for a while after, I’ve come to like it again. I will especially embrace all the pink this month in celebration of being a 15 year breast cancer survivor on 10/21! Yeehaw! 💖

#breastcancersurvivor #breastcancerawarenessmonth #hellooctober #welcomeoctober #itsfallyall #hellofall
Good morning! My morning is fueled by: ☀️sunl Good morning! My morning is fueled by:

☀️sunlight
🌳fresh air
☕️coffee

#everydayroadtohealthy #healthylifestyle #goodmorning #pushing50 #healthandwellness #selfcare
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